I have gained a fair amount of weight over this last winter, and as any dieter must know you generally need some type of cause. I figured it would be easiest to have a race, which now I've decided that I will get one final shave, after which it will be me against my beard until I get back to my featherweight of 175 pounds. I am currently at 183, and I figure returning to my previous running regiment will get me back on track. If you see me in the future with a ghastly beard you will surely see my uggo failure. The added weight of a continually growing beard might make my situation harder, but alas no one likes a chubby ZZ top.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
A shave to remember
I have gained a fair amount of weight over this last winter, and as any dieter must know you generally need some type of cause. I figured it would be easiest to have a race, which now I've decided that I will get one final shave, after which it will be me against my beard until I get back to my featherweight of 175 pounds. I am currently at 183, and I figure returning to my previous running regiment will get me back on track. If you see me in the future with a ghastly beard you will surely see my uggo failure. The added weight of a continually growing beard might make my situation harder, but alas no one likes a chubby ZZ top.
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A Roomates Perspective - Day 1: His face began to pimple and flake as his pale Dutch skin had not seen light, natural or artificial, in some time. We joked and laughed loudly last night, both knowing inside that losing 8 pounds of the most saturated fat was not an obtainable goal. Years of neglect, combined with 32 sweet teeth, with a constant hunger for milk chocolate and Pepsi throwback had gone to war with his once toned body. His body was to rot as a parasitic fat took control.
ReplyDeleteThe overall mood in the basement sunk that nigh as we both closed our doors to find rest in our separate rooms. Beyond the hum of the dryer, I could hear his tears; cold, wet, sad.
A manchild, living in the room next to mine, learning the lessons life offers all men: You are not in control of your life. You are destined to die alone, plump as squirrel in autumn, and no amount of booze or prayers will ever allow you to forget the days of a younger and happier person; a person that Craig will soon forget and ultimately will fail to recognize as his waist expands.
Everyone is rooting for him, but we prepare for the inevitable knowing that a deep understanding of failure is the only way this experiment can end. To our clean shaven friend: we wish you luck, and we'll still be here even if nameless pedestrians on the sidewalk shout at you "Glutton!" and the needle on your weight scale points directly to hell.
Brent,
ReplyDeleteI want to thank you personally for your ode to my inability to put down the cola and mm's. I can assure you that my tears are never cold, for they must sustain enough heat to make me put on thermal socks in the middle of the night. Also, I will soon kick you right in the diabetes for making a 4 paragraph mockery of my attempt to look beautiful again.
A Roomates Perspective - Day 3: Craig got home from his exam last night around 9:30pm, dragging his knuckles on the ground like a gorilla. This was his first day of exercise, and if his posture was any indication, it did not go well. I asked him what the damage was, and he responded with "I ran for miles, but gained two pounds today..."
ReplyDeleteTwo pounds was the damage. At this rate he would weigh 200lbs by next week, and 300lbs my mid-next month.
His body fell into the chair like a bag of nickels thrown from a bridge. He was lucky; our exceptionally frugal room mate, Grant, had bought fake leather furniture with a lot of cushion. It must have been on sale at Art Van Furniture. Had it been a wooden rocking chair, even if made from the sturdiest of Red Pine, the whole thing would have collapsed and splintered into a horrible mess, and we would have spent the night in the emergency room.
No one ever told Craig losing 10 pounds would be easy. No one even told him it would be possible. Maybe it's time someone did...
What does hair weigh? Maybe the two pounds put on is beard weight?
ReplyDeleteHaha Mary, I wish it were true that this could be beard weight, but I'm sure, as Brent has no sympathy for me, that he will inform you that this was after I shaved my beard. Tragic
ReplyDeleteA Roomates Perspective - Day 6: Several days in now his beard is thickening. The hair begins to cover his puffy cheeks, and his loosely draped clothing covers his round mid section. Almost a week in, and there are no signs of progress, only frustrations and misguided anger towards inanimate objects. Last night I had to close his closet door to make the voices of a demonic Pepsi Throwback box go away, as they barked at him for hours and my weak friend was beginning to listen.
ReplyDeleteI knew the one thing that he loved in this world more than Pepsi Throwback was Star Wars. As I slammed the closet shut, I spoke passages from the early Star Wars movies, and reminded him that the dark side was a real and ever present danger. Although his boyish features are much more in line with a young Anikan than a Han Solo, I knew there was good in him. His eyes, still glazed over from the bakers dozen of sugar cookies that he had eaten earlier to damper the taste of a BTB Delux Chicken burrito he downed for lunch, began to clear.
If he continues down the path of restless nights and tormented days, I will start spiking the drinks and food he still enjoys (mayonnaise sandwiches, microwavable mashed potatoes and canned Aldi's corn, iced water, etc) with granulated beet sugar and crystalized caffeine. I am worried for his sanity.